Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
You Might Also Like
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow