Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Ken is short for chicken
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
i’m sure it’s fine
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay