Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Left at a local drug store…
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.