Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?