Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

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Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?

Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Walking by the lingerie section

Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.

Me: Uh huh.

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send