pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Bed should get ready for ME