Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.

Dudes named Chance never had one.

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

what the

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Very problematic

Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination