Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate