Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
You Might Also Like
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!