Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN

Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear

my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

Taliband

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?