Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..