PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
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My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
my mind
You just read my mind
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
The Punning Dead.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
relationship goals
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
wait.
