Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

[sees giant spider in house]

[tells girlfriend “I got this”]

[slowly rolls up magazine]

[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”

Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?

Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!

3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!

My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.