Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
not seeing the problem
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.