pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
three things we don’t talk about
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year