Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
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Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣