Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?

Because they’re spoiled

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?

me: I’m afraid I am

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*