Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.

Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees

Do you think you’d make a good sniper?

[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [decides to vacuum house]

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd

My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.