[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Wednesday
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
i actually laughed 😩
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?