[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?
me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.
17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile