Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

🙋‍♀️

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.

I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”