Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)

A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.

But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.