Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

“I love this song!”

“This is my favorite song!”

“I love this song!”

“No, THIS is my favorite song!”

~ Me, listening to my own playlist

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.