Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars

Genie: done. and your second?

Me: infinite money

Genie: no can do

Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now

I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”

Actually, I do.

People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

Him: What’s in your secret sauce?

Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*

Him: I knew it tasted weird.

You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.

If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills

You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.

It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.

Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.

I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.

Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.

Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty

How is this not always the biggest story of the day?

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.

I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter