[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
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How it started: How it’s going:
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory