Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.

I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*