Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

im all 3

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?