Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.

Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.

the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

*sees a truck*
Nice.

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.

Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.

My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.

Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.

*later*

Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

I think this might be relevant today.

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.