Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

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Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.


They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”


I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron



Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.


Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?


I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?


Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.


if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas


When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.