@kelter1

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

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@TheAlexNevil

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

@Hect0rMayorga

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

@LuvPug

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

@UncleDuke1969

[date]

Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…

*hands her paper*

Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.

@DBMaxP

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

@AtmanThakrar

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

@krisv_723

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

@fart

if cops want to catch serial killers why don’t they just hang out at petsmart and follow home the guys that buy tarantulas

@MartaEffing

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.