The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Therapist: They don’t
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.