@BuckyIsotope
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
@kelter1
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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@BuckyIsotope
@ArfMeasures
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
@jennifermerr
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
@michamontaz
Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.
@IamEnidColeslaw
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
@LisaMcAlister1
Waitress: “Hi, my nam-”
Me: “Vodka martini, please.”
@AdriannaLaCervx
This whole “parenting a teenager” thing isn’t really working out. I’m going to tell him I just want to be friends.
@numeri33
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
@arseniareilly
