Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
You Might Also Like
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
just witnessed a drug deal
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Mouse
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man