Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
🤣😂🤣😂
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost