phew
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
This is a bad sign
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Huge if true.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.