Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
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Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
best review i’ve ever seen
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.