Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
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Inside you there are two wolves
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Well, this is awkward
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.