Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”