Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
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Happy Star Wars day!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it