Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
![]()
You Might Also Like
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
![]()
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
🤣dope
![]()
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth