phew
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Me when I’m ovulating
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.