Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

her: what are you, like, six feet?

me: *muffled foot noises*

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me