Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Does your dog do any tricks?

Me: I taught him to lie on the bed

Her: That’s not impressive lol

Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter

stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein