Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked

Me:

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

The Struggle

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

good news everyone

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

😂