Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.