Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

Christian: You need Jesus in your life

Me: But I can’t find him

Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1581343196067553285/pu/vid/540x540/Bvle8t3udInX0LB5.mp4?tag=12

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Ah to hear the music of the angles!

[first Captain to go down with the ship]

Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.

Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!

his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too

DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush

ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing