Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!

so u have kids?

yes a bunch of them

that’s great, any hobbies?

I don’t understand the question

The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.