Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”

He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.

4 hours it took me!

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.

*takes an exam in a coffin*

*passes*

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish

#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.

One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.

The other says: Moo!

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy

Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.

But cases continue to rise.

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.