Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later

Pollen: lol, ok

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

Doc: I have bad news about your test results

Me: oh man did I fail

Doc: not that kind of test

Me: so I passed?

Doc: no but you will in a week

“Omelet you finish.”

– Kanyegg West

i have never needed anything in my life more than this

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.

😭

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad