Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Me: how d’ya like them apples?

Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.

Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.

excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’