Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.

*Facebook down*

Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny