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Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow