Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing

me: hey man you ready to go?

goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone

me:

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: almost done?

goku: AHHHHHHHHHH

me: son of a-

[On the next episode of…]

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Her: Are you even capable of love?

Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.