Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home

sugar glider wrangler

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it