Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

they should invent a hydrating liquor

I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

Seems legit

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’