Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE

WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”

Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.

reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.

Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

we’re dead?

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.