PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ChatGPT is down rn and if you listen closely, you can hear millions of content creators screaming
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Camel dough
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please