Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.

I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?