Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A GPS. But for where your story is going.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife

Something Saturday.

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

I laughed at this way too hard.

my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie

brian had himself a morning…

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer