PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]![]()
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You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Love this one 😂🧟
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ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids