Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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#FunnyLife Insects
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.