Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
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I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Dammit Chief not again
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”