Of course I’m wet baby, the heat index is 109 degrees.
Phill: *gets stung by a stingray
Me: *pees on his wound
Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings
Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!
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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
apartment hunting is going well
*Arrives to save damsel in distress*
Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”
Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings