@ThaJawn

Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!

You Might Also Like

@poutinesmoothie

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

@FeelingEuphoric

[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

@PopSlapFunk

*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”

@VeganZebra

*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong

@NomDeBenoit

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

@PyrBliss

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.

@stevevsninjas

me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings