I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
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Had a spot of bother earlier.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits