Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!

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Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.


[the creation of nostalgia]

GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings

ANGEL: okay

GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings

ANGEL: uh—

GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again

ANGEL: dude what is your problem


ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore


*Arrives to save damsel in distress*

Me: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your–”

Rapunzel: “I have a boyfriend.”

Dragon flying by: “BURN!!”


*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong


Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..


This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.


me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings