Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.

Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Bruh

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

For cardio I live beyond my means.

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.