Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

Bird of peace?
The dove

Bird of war?
The hawk

Bird of true love?

..wait for it…

….

The swallow

*walks offstage

Not helping

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?

[blind date]

HER: I filled up on nuts

ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew

HER: Gesundheit

ME: I think I love you

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds