Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?

Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick

Cop: *on radio* get the feds

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.

Him: Are you free later?

Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

*feels the wind in my toe hair

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Interviewer: And your references?

Me: 90’s television mostly.

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly