PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes