PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.