philosophical skeletons be like
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When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence