philosophical skeletons be like
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Beware of fowl play.
