philosophical skeletons be like
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Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
👍
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.