Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Job interview

HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.

There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.

Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s

Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set

‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance