Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I used the label maker

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.

Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant

The optimist sees the carrot.

The pessimist sees the stick.

I see the ranch dip.

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol

Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough