Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high

me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*

*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*

*sips wine*

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

wow

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead

Who called it cremation and not ashashination