[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
You Might Also Like
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Friday
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
