Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!

HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.

“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

[Chasing a dog on my bike]

Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.

Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.