Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

taking June’s advice to heart

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind

40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*

Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?

Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back